Very Boring, Not Fun, and WAY Over-rated…

Wow, can you say “boring” any louder? I am a Batman fan, but this movie was just ridiculously boring. i mean seriously, it actually starts out with a little boy stealing a small rock from a little girl, and then he falls down a hole. talk about your exciting film openings. ah well, anyways, years later, he is Bruce Wayne, the only white man in an English-language Chinese prison. Bruce is pretty rich back in America, but he had himself sent to a Chinese prison so that he could train himself to beat people up, because he’s peaved about his parents getting shot by a lame mugger. Okay. Then, he meets a guy with some sort of unpronounceable name, and this guy wants Bruce to join his group of evil ninjas. So, Bruce is like, “Evil ninjas? Where do I sign up?” Of course, when the evil ninja training is finished (wich totally sucked) and they want him to kill somebody, Bruce freaks out and burns down the whole place, probably killing quite a few people, very not Batman like since he vowed not to “kill” anyone(though Michael Keaton’s wasn’t a complete wimp like bale is here). Okay. Then, he goes home to rejoin the business world and fight crime. Luckily, he meets a guy at his father’s company, and this guy makes superhero equipment for a living. Talk about your happy coincidences.

David Goyer must be stopped. Seriously. I have no idea how anybody could have looked at the script for this ****ing abomination and said, “Hey, I want to make that!” How many lame-brained action movie cliches can you fit into one film? How much cringe-worthy cheesy dialog can you make your overqualified cast choke out? How much cheesy sentimental bullshit can you squeeze into a movie about a guy fighting crime in a modified s&m outfit? If you’re David Goyer, the possibilities are endless.

I cannot believe the ratings this film has received. It is a good example of what happened in “The Emperor’s New Clothes”. Long story short, two con men convince everyone that they’ve made luxury clothes for a king when in reality, they have made nothing. According to them, only those worthy enough can see the clothes. Everyone fakes that they can see them, including a very naked king, so that they can feel worthy.

My God, this fable fits “Batman Begins” perfectly. It is an overblown, poorly written, stiffly acted, and badly photographed film. The action is completely “been there done that” and is photographed WAY too up close, like many bad action movies of late. Christian Bale has a monotone voice and has NO EXPRESSION! Not ever. He frankly looks bored most of the time. That really bugged me. And yes, his voice as Batman was just plain embarrassing. It felt like an SNL skit of Batman.

I truly think that the marketing of this film was solely based on the idea that “Batman Forever” and “Batman and Robin” sucked. They weren’t good, but lets remember, they each made a good amount of money for so films so critically drubbed. But they made money because people were entertained, even if they are too chicken to admit it. But Nolan gets to show us that they were stupid and frivolous movies and that he’s going to blow them out of the water by being adult and intelligent. Audiences don’t want to feel stupid, they LIKE feeling smart, thus with open arms people have accepted “Batman Begins” because they are told it is dark and unlike any other. But people truly are making more of “Batman Begins” than it is.

It strives so hard to be realistic and profound that it strips the energy and excitement form Batman. People talk in heavy handed riddles and the dialog is leaden and pretentious. And the plot is at times damn confusing. Characters appear and disappear, only to change motivations or create new motivations altogether. Blue flowers and weird organizations come about hoping the audience can fill in an explanation, and some Asian guy…has seemingly no purpose whatsoever, but appears in the film long enough so that one thinks hes there for a reason. Also, the montage of Batman training was very scatter shot. What did they show? Really…I think they just quickly edited a few hundred frames of nothing. The Pre-batman stuff, you know, the “Begins” part of the film, wasn’t very strong at all.

In the end, I didn’t care for anyone, because no one was developed! You can talk about fear all you want, but fear is not a character trait, nor is revenge, and Bruce had seemingly no character beyond this. Maybe its Bale’s fault, as he was stiff as a corpse, but Bruce never felt real.

This is so far a very harsh review, so why would I even give the film a 4/10, when thus far it seems closer to a 2/10 from my perspective? Out of respect to Michael Caine, Morgan Freeman, Gary Oldman and Tom Wilkonson. By casting respected, award-winning actors in small parts, some which are truly perfunctory, each man is only given a few moments to strut their stuff. I cherished those moments because even in a bad movie, these guys can act. But really, Gary Oldman in a small role as a humble cop who – basically does nothing?? Come on! Overall though, this is a huge letdown. People cite the darkness, and the depth of the characters, but the film is as deep as cardboard. You need not look farther than Bruce’s relationship to Katie Holmes’ character to see that this film is truly just a shallow hackneyed popcorn movie with a serious identity crisis, and really good marketing. If you want to see a REAL Batman movie that is not boring and actually takes risks and is original, see the aforementioned first 2 batman films BATMAN and Batman Returns. Thank you for reading.