life at its purest

The first time I watched this movie was with my sister and her boyfriend, and it was very awkward, and I didn’t even get to see the end because my Dad came home early, and he didn’t want me watching this, I guess because he thinks that if I see it, I will want to become gay or something.

However, I went against his wishes, despite his warning. I am eternally grateful for going against his wishes.

After watching it the second time, I can’t even begin to describe how moved I was by it. At first it didn’t really hit me, but later that night as I stepped into the shower, thinking about it nonstop all day, the impact of what I had seen hit me full force, and I just collapsed there in the shower, sobbing uncontrollably. I will admit I have been a sucker for movies like Titanic and Romeo+Juliet, but after watching them they never stayed in my mind for long, and NEVER like this. I have never yearned and at the same time despaired for love like this, and the love isn’t even mine. I hope someday in my life I meet someone and have a connection, a passionate love like Jack and Ennis did. I hope though, for us, we can actually be together.

I had watched this the first time preparing myself for the love scenes, and although I am for gay openness all the way, I admit I was a little flipped out at the thought of love scene between my two favorite actors. I’ve just never seen it before.

I think that made me sidetrack what the movie was about. But after the second time, I just could not believe it. My heart literally ached so much I didn’t know what to do, it ached for Jack and Ennis, and for everyone in the world who ever couldn’t love someone because of a certain situation, whether because society’s standards or something else. The movie was deeper than anyhting I’ve ever experienced, and the weight of it was almost too much. The movie was about life, and life in its purest form, pure love and pure anguish. It made me so happy that it’s ending wasn’t the usual happy ending, but one of regret, and at the same time hope, for it truly shows that life goes on and that true, deep, passionate, life-lasting love will always be with you no matter what. It doesn’t die.

I have heard some things by friends, especially guys, complaining that yes, it was sweet and tragic, but love like that doesn’t happen to gay people. That they wouldn’t have been homophobic to Ennis or Jack, but just to the regular gay people. I think that yes, that is true, love like that does not often happen between two men, but to tell the truth, it seldom happens between a man and a woman either. Love today is so vague and so broad, commercialized and cheapened by our society. People say I love you not because they do, but because they think they should, or because some other circumstance. People marry for convenience, for money, for a safety net, and seldom do people marry for love. In this movie, neither character ever said “I love you” or got married, or lived together, or had ” the relationship stages” that most couples go through. And yet their love was deeper than anything I’ve ever seen, or known, and most people will ever know.

I think Brokeback showed me what it was like to be in love, not because I was in love with them, but if what they felt was anyhting close to the anguish I felt watching it, and even now, then I will know what I am supposed to look for.

This movie was life at its truest, purest, and heartbreaking form.