Less than stellar by at least 5 dimensions

I got something out of this movie. I really did. It was 35 degrees Celsius outside the cinema and all I needed was a three hour nap in cool air-conditioning. Lucky me! The latest Nolan film, just there for the taking.

It started off as I hoped it would, all dusty on the porch of some ranch in the middle of the U.S. otherwise known as nowhere, the end of the world syrupy American-style, little kid tugging at the heart strings – my eyelids already beginning to droop even before Coop and his daughter Murph wind up at some place that some old cockney and his very Jewish daughter inhabit (guess it only happens in movies with a blind casting director), but that was fine, I was almost in REM sleep – not having been able to process a word of dialogue from McConaughey in over 20 minutes. Pure bliss.

And it got even better from an insomniac’s point of view. Thanks to an absurd plot and woefully unimaginative CGI effects, my chin was almost on my chest when they landed on the first planet the other side of… well, let’s just call it credulity. I don’t sleep this well at home! Wait! We’re going through another Kubrick-style time dimension – didn’t we just spend half an hour on this planet re-using some special effects, this time made to look like giant waves, left over from Inception? I think so, but time warps so nicely when you’re practically snoring.

I think we lost an astronaut somewhere. Maybe that’s the game. Who’s next? I hope it’s the astrophysicist who explains wormholes with a moebius strip he forgets to twist. Either that or it was origami for dummies. Maybe that *was* the guy we just lost – hard to tell, they all act the same. Flat as the dialogue. Thanks guys. Anyway, we can only pray it will be Hathaway soon. She’s starting to keep me awake. How can a head bob about so much in weightlessness? But I’m being unfair; I think I remember her trying to act some of this script. Brave move from an Oscar winner. I’m starting to want my money back.

Anyway, I’m roused a bit now and thus a bit grumpy. We’re in another galaxy’s version of Antarctica minus the faintest signs of life – this despite (because of?) the unzipping of a new bad actor. Fortunately, this actor goes even beyond his usual leaden deadness and I’m soon starting to lose consciousness again and time travel merrily back to the land of nod. I think there was a plot twist involved because this astronaut is trying to do a Dave and HAL routine. He must think he’s in a good movie. Poor sod.

Did I mention there must have been yards of Inception on the cutting-room floor last time because I’m watching more and more outtakes? Gotta save a few million here and there.

I had a dream. I dreamed that Nolan would come up with a slew of insanely bizarre plot twists right at the end that would explain the entire reason for watching this flick. But they carried me out on a stretcher before I found out if it was true. Apparently, I was having a nightmare screaming “Morse Code! No! No! No! Not Morse Code! That’s Spielberg!” at the top of my lungs and disturbing the other patrons’ naps. I was obviously paying too much attention even comatose.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *