it is kill something allright but it isn’t bill

******Spoilers*****and a lot of them too****

Since I am not a brainwashed cult follower of Quentin I was able to actually see the movie before rating it as the best thing ever made.

The first minutes were incredible, and I was having the time of my life. Opening scene in black and white bloodied Uma, then fade to black, melancholy music, fading out to perfection, suburbia (toys in yard, nice pretty house) then we have a funny as hell chick fight which is made all the better by a little kid that just stays there.. and says nothing. Basically the imagery is great and sets a mood. Then we have a flashback to the wedding, followed by a hospital scene giving some background of what just happened. And it ends.

The moment you see black mamba telling her big toe to move while the camera repeats this a few times, you have a problem. The first thing you realize in the frames after we finally stop zooming on the toes, is that well, this is nothing more than a Charlie’s Angels rip. Concept and idea. Ok there is still time for salvation right? Not really. Because then comes an anime scene that has no purpose at all, and unless you are an anime fan, it will simply suck. Lots of animated blood, still motion drawings and all other things we have seen in countless anime toons on cartoon network come to life. You can safely skip it, not like something valuable will occur. Which is the problem with this whole movie. It has no coherence. You can watch it at any point and not miss a thing. But it gets worse.

Next on the murder list is the same girl we saw in the anime scene, and she is in Japan. So Black Mamba goes to Japan, and what follows for the other half of the movie is mindless kung fu that is bad, a lot of stupid time wasting moments of Japanese people speaking Japanese wise words, which are translated in annoying captions. Actually that would have been a nice touch, but they literally NEVER end. Japanese. Subtititles. More useless preaching. Wise men advice. Captions. Japanese. Captions. Repeat.

Although it is basically badly executed kung fu, even it suffers from some pretty obvious faults. Booze drinking schoolgirl uniform wearing underage female guard? Come on. And just to mention the tie wearing, sword swinging guards (samurai?) that just keep on coming. Please its a parody. A pathetic attempt to mix the infamous Japanese gangs of the 80s and 90s with ancient kung fu and traditions. At least that’s the best I could make of it.

I am not going to guess what that movie was trying to be because it clearly had no point. It started great, it fell apart in about 2 minutes. Literally 2 minutes and that is even sadder.

Save your time, watch the first thirty minutes, then go rent a real kung fu flick to fill in the rest.

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